The most important word you can learn to use…
“This must be some sort of trend.”
I recently caught up with a leader I worked for. As we talked, he mentioned that his wife left her job at the end of the year without having a new one lined up. In relaying the horrible experience she had at her previous job and how she ultimately decided that the sacrifice being asked of her was too great, he said, “This must be some sort of trend.”
What exactly is trending you ask?
Specifically, this man was referring to the nonsensical manner that organizations have increasingly adopted as it pertains to their employees. In the eighteen months at her job, his wife had been given more than six new bosses more, and twice she was only notified of the change after it happened. There were a host of other scenarios that led to her decision to leave, each of them possessing a similar “ick” factor and ultimately suggesting that it was time to go.
This is a widespread problem, one I’ve seen at the companies I’ve worked for and the companies my clients have worked for. And it’s totally depressing. But I am going to save my rant about how depressing it is for another day, because this general lack of respect for the humans doing the work, is leading to another trend.
And it’s a super exciting one.
Conventional wisdom is changing. Rather than believing you need to say yes to everything – people are starting to use a previously forbidden word. “NO.” They are drawing the line in the sand, setting mindful boundaries. And even better – sticking to them.
Early in my career, I said yes to everything. I said yes because I was desperate to prove that I was a true go-getter. And because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. I signed up for committees and offered to help my colleagues out with their work – all while maintaining my workload.
One day my manager sat me down and said, “Dana, you have to learn how to say no.” Honestly, I don’t remember what else he said because I was baffled. Why the hell would I ever say no? And why would I do such a career limiting thing?
It took me years to find the answer…
It was a bumpy ride. One full of conference calls at 2am, sharing hotel rooms with my boss and two bouts of burnout. But each time I said yes when I shouldn’t have, I learned something really valuable.
So if you are one of the many hoping to become on trend by integrating NO into your career, I thought I would share some what I learned.
Saying no is not an act of rebellion.
Building a fulfilling and rewarding career requires energy. Energy you won’t have if you say yes to everything. Energy that gets depleted – sometimes permanently when you don’t respect your own resources and time enough to say NO.
Saying no doesn’t mean that you are not Wonder Woman (or Superman).
You do not need to be a superhero. In fact, you are probably never going to be a superhero. THAT IS OK! Despite what you might think, saying no doesn’t imply that you are not capable of doing everything.
Saying no allows you to say yes to the right stuff.
You will not limit your options in anyway. Because saying no is a way of saying, I know myself very well. And I am choosing to protect my energy so that when I do say yes, I can give my all.
Saying no communicates to those around you that you value who you are and that you respect your time – and theirs.
The swiss are brilliant at this, they live or die by their clocks. The train conductors apologize when they are even a minute late. And no one would dare show up even a minute late for an appointment, because they respect their time as well as others. Time is the most precious asset you have. Protect it.
Saying no isn’t popular.
Many years after my first manager gave me that directive, and after many instances of having my boundaries wildly trespassed upon, I finally learned to say no. I took the “right” path with my then boss, communicating a particular non-negotiable boundary that I had. She willingly accepted. Until it came time to respect that boundary, and I was punished. But I stuck to my guns anyway. And it was worth it.
Saying no will confuse people.
If you’ve always been a yesman – then it’s likely you will confuse people when you start saying no. Especially those who are used to taking from you. In this case, I find that the best way to start is with asking clarifying questions. When a request or demand is made of you, push for more details or ask for the other person to prioritize the request. (This will be another post later.)
Saying no takes time to learn.
Like any new behavior, you will probably experience a strong learning curve. Repeat after me, “The world will not fall apart if I say no. In fact it will probably be a better place.”
Just like they say you learn more from failure than you do from success. The process of getting to know what you need, where your boundaries should be and how to say no to protect them; will propel your career way farther than mindlessly saying yes will.